Chemical Promises

It’s been 6 days without pot and my symptoms are back in force.

As cool as I’ve tried to play it since the diagnosis, the truth is I’m scared.

I’m terrified of the way my mind and body are betraying me.

I can’t rely on my memory, on my vision, on my physical ability to stand on my own two feet… or even to stand up at all.

I’ve been awake for 26hrs despite taking 3x (spaced a surprisingly reasonable number of hours apart) the suggested dose of my sleeping pills.

The doctors told me it was Relapse Remitting MS, they said it would come in episodes that would be months or years apart.

That’s not what’s happening to me, it doesn’t come in waves, I don’t recover to a baseline….

I just keep getting worse.
And the stupidest part is that my only reprieve, my only chance to feel like my body is still my own, comes in the form of a felony.

It is still illegal for me to use a trialled, tested, clinically approved treatment for my disease. Instead they give me script after script until I’m sure I’ll vomit if I have to force one more pill down my throat, only to take another handful 6hrs later.

They tell me my medications are experimental, they tell me that can’t make me any promises about actually being able to help me. They list endless side effects, each worse than the last and I pump my body full of chemicals I can’t pronounce on a pipedream promise.

This is not what I thought my 20s would look like.

I never expected to be so afraid.

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